Tweet Nothings

As part of my ongoing attempts to build something resembling a social media platform, I have joined Twitter, and I will be the first to admit that I’m probably not doing it right. In the new global village, I’m the village idiot. But every Sunday, I set a theme for the week, and every morning after that until the next Sunday, I write down some odd or random thought related to that theme before I start working on a book or a story. Some themes have been: Odd myths, Weird Super-Heroes, Made-up words, If Fortune Cookies Were Real, Failed TV pilots, Rock Band Names for Sale, Oxymorons, Comic mistakes, and so on. Working with 140 characters early in the morning can be challenging. Some of my tweets I’m proud of, and some are a bunch of twit. Next week I’m thinking of doing a series of predictions on what it will be like in 2035. If you are interested, here are the twenty-five tweets I tweeted on Twitter as a teething Tweeter for the first month.

Week One: ODD MYTHS

The Japanese Shirime is a humanoid with an anus for an eye. The evolutionary advantage is unclear. Make own hindsight joke.

English Myth: The Red Legged Scissor Man cut thumbs off habitual thumb suckers. Not sure how he’d feel about texting while driving.

The Churufee: A molten monster spit out by volcanoes unless a human sacrifice is regularly thrown in. Origin of giving a hot damn.

The dimunitve Native American Pukwudgies shoot poison arrows.   No jokes here. I just really like the word “Pukwudgie.”

The Akkyyni are skeletons who detach bones anddrum with them. The vibrations cause harmful effects,

Week Two: MADE UP WORDS

PolterGuest – When you have company and your stuff mysteriously keeps moving around and winding up in weird places.

Sangfreud – The infuriating and smug calm of someone who argues by diagnosing the real reason you’re saying what you’re saying.

Praysayer: A negative person who scolds, criticizes, and spreads rumors about people by asking others to pray for them.

Surreality – the feeling at those moments when you make your life bearable by imagining it’s a reality television show.

Prox Star – the result when others do the song writing, instrument playing, autotuning, market research, and plastic surgery.

Hypochondri-crack: Websites that lists dozens of potential medical conditions when you type in a few symptoms.

Behind-sight – the realization that you’ve made a complete ass out of yourself after the fact.

Week Three: WEIRD SUPER-HEROES

The Human Hamster Ball. A super-speeding germophobe pinballing around in a bullet proof sphere.

Weird Heroes: The Highway hog. A murdered runaway now haunts an RV, picking up predatory hitchers and running bad folk off roads.

Mary Sunshine tries to say bitter and cynical because when she thinks happy thoughts she becomes a living sun.

Pretext: A psychic who reads random texts on his phone…days before they are written. Uses disguises to thwart evil.

Waitress Woman is the avatar of Hebe, the cupbearer to the gods. She hears all that table servers hear. A serving tray is her shield. Justice is served!

Eternal Youth – an immortal with centuries of wisdom and skills who stopped physically ageing at the age of three.

Grave Mistake – a dead hitman is condemned to crawl out of his grave and avenge new arrivals in his graveyard.

Week Four: IF FORTUNE COOKIES WERE REAL

*That name you want to tattoo on your ass? Don’t. Seriously. Just don’t. I’m not kidding.   Don’t.

*An old acquaintance from your past will soon resurface—okay, fine, it’s the pork fried rice.

*Lottery winners are one of the highest suicide statistics.   So think carefully. 85638

*Don’t look, but the fourth person sitting to your left? They are goin- dammit, I told you not to look! Just forget it. You ruined it.

*You will soon finish reading a fortune written by someone who wasn’t wearing pants…

*You will soon meet a tall dark mysterious stranger. IT’S DEATH! Ha ha!. Just kidding.

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